Turkeys 2008
Nice Try
Seattle Taxpayers Get the Royal Flush
In 2001, city leaders were frantic to solve the smelly problem of public urination—without creating havens for drug activity and prostitution. In a controversial vote, the City Council decided to install five pricey high-tech, self-cleaning toilets in areas with high homeless rates. Modeled after successful loos in Europe, Seattle’s were installed in 2004. Four years and $4.3 million later, the Council took another vote: Put a lid on the troubled toilets. Seems they had become ... havens for drug use and prostitution. They were posted—where else?—on eBay in July, with a minimum bid of $89,000.
This Time, They Shouldn’t Have Let Their Fingers Do the Walking
Seven temporary workers hired to conduct a voter-registration drive were charged with fraudulently signing up nearly 2,000 people, many of whom did not exist. Instead of spending their time walking around with a signup sheet, the seven temps, hired by the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, are accused of going through phone books, baby name books and directories, even inventing names.
‘A’ for Creativity; for Execution, Not So Much
A 41-year-old Puyallup man wasn’t the first guy to try using a dummy to cheat his way into the carpool lane. But few go to such lengths: This dummy had a fully painted face, complete with blue eyes and beard, and wore a trendy denim jacket, hoodie and glasses. “They’re getting better, aren’t they?” commented the officer who ticketed him. He might have even gotten away with it, except the dummy was riding in the back seat, and had flopped over because it wasn’t belted in.
The World-Is-Definitely-Getting-Stupider Department
Where is Alistair Cooke When We Need Him Most?
In a recent poll of the English public, 23 percent thought their former Prime Minister Winston Churchill was a made-up character, while 58 percent thought Sherlock Holmes actually existed.
Where is Mr. Wizard When We Need Him Most?
About a quarter of U.S. teenagers polled by the group Common Core were unable to correctly identify Hitler as Germany’s chancellor in WWII. The same number thought Columbus discovered the New World sometime after 1750.
At Least He Knew Winston Churchill Was a Real Person
A California man admitted he taught high school for 17 years without being able to read or write.
Immediately Promote This Woman to Head of FEMA
White House Press Secretary Dana Perino admitted that, during a White House briefing when a reporter referred to the Cuban Missile Crisis, she didn’t know what it was.
And Who is Charging the Court With An Insult to Humanity?
A British teacher in Sudan who let her 7-year-old pupils name a class teddy bear Muhammad was found guilty in a Sudanese court of insulting Islam, and sentenced to 15 days in jail.
Creativity is Alive and Well in Egypt
Egyptian cleric Ezzat Attiya issued a fatwa explaining that there was a way around the prohibition against unmarried men and women working together: Women can breast-feed their male co-workers and legally become family.
Creativity is Alive and Well in England
British researchers reported that housework reduces the risk of breast cancer.
Make Me Famous, Make Me Rich, Make Me Completely Irresponsible
An Ohio man failed to show up and testify as the key witness at the trial of a man who allegedly threatened him with a knife, tied him up and stole his car and credit cards. James Finch chose instead to appear on the Ohio Lottery game show “Make Me Famous, Make Me Rich.” Finch won a little more than $1,000 on the show; his alleged attacker got a plea bargain with no prison time.
School Daze
A One-Game Suspension Wouldn’t Have Been Enough?
Though suffering from cancer, beloved coach Terry Ennis agreed to head the new football program at Archbishop Murphy High in Everett. He passed away after the first two victories, but the kids kept winning in his memory and qualified for state. That’s when the new coach discovered one player had failed to get his physical renewed the week Ennis died. The kid immediately took the exam and passed. But the conference made the team forfeit every game after the physical expired and kicked it out of the playoffs.
Plus, She was Wearing Pants
As Michelle Campbell was preparing to officiate at a boys basketball game at St. Mary’s Academy near Topeka, a school official pulled her aside and insisted that Campbell not call the game. The reason: Campbell, as a woman, could not be put in a position of authority over boys because of the academy’s religious beliefs.
D.C.— No Mecca for Muslim Track Stars
Juashaunna Kelly, a high school track star in Washington, D.C., was disqualified from a meet because her outfit, which she custom-made to conform to her Muslim faith’s requirement for modest attire, violated competition rules. She wore a one-piece blue-and-orange unitard that covered her head, arms, torso and legs underneath the same orange-and-blue T-shirt and shorts her teammates wear.
The Very Dirty Things That Penguins Do
More than 500 library books were challenged by parents, including And Tango Makes Three, a children’s book about penguins that was named one of the year’s best by the American Library Association but which some parents say advocates for homosexuality.
Umm, But Don’t They Call Him ‘Your Holiness’?
Ordinarily politically correct to a fault, the Seattle School District made a head-scratching decision to bus kids to the Key Arena to hear the Dalai Lama speak during his “Seeds of Compassion” conference, reasoning the kiddies could benefit from a lesson in compassion. But last we heard, the Dalai was the leader of a major world religion. True, the trip was optional, but the district paid for the buses, contending the speech was apolitical and non-religious.
Ain’t Misbehavin’ ... Till You Get Caught
Drunk, Foul-Mouthed ... What’s Not For a Voter to Love?
King County Councilmember Jane Hague’s drunk-driving arrest became public only after last fall’s primaries, in which she was the unopposed Republican candidate for her seat. The arrest report said she used foul language and blamed the whole thing on her husband. Her blood-alcohol readings were above the legal limit, but a judge tossed them and she got probation. Luckily for Hague, the Democratic Party had not bothered to qualify an opponent, and in fact many Dems preferred Hague—DUI or no—to a Republican-turned-Democrat perennial candidate who ran against her in the general. Hague easily kept her job.
Someone Divorced This Guy?
The Lewis County prosecutor’s apparent penchant for fooling around jeopardized several criminal cases, prompting a complaint to the state Bar association and a call for an investigation by Lewis County Sheriff Steve Mansfield. Prosecutor Liam Michael Golden is accused of failing to disclose a past affair with the mother of a victim in one case and the mother of a defendant in another. His office also charged a suspect with cyber-stalking a woman Golden had allegedly dated. Golden, a Republican elected in 2006, is divorced with two children.
A Not-So-Funny Thing Happened on the Way from the Forum
Three weeks before the Seattle City Council elections, Venus Velázquez—a strong candidate to replace retiring Peter Steinbrueck—was arrested on suspicion of drunk driving after an officer said he saw her speeding and weaving. Velázquez, who said she had two drinks at a candidates forum, ended up losing the seat to fellow Democrat Bruce Harrell. (The Seattle City Council is nonpartisan, though all current members are Dems.)
Another Not-Gay Politician
State Rep. Richard Curtis, a Republican from La Center and a strong opponent of gay rights, resigned as a story broke involving allegations of extramarital gay sex. A Spokane man allegedly stole Curtis’ wallet after having sex with him in a hotel room, then tried to extort $1,000 from Curtis—married and a father—if the lawmaker wished to avoid the publicity. “I am not gay,” Curtis told The Columbian, a Clark County newspaper.
Double Trouble for McIver
Seattle City Councilmember Richard McIver, still working on his image after a domestic-violence arrest last fall (his wife refused to testify and charges were dropped), was in hot water again this year. McIver was fined by the Seattle Ethics and Elections Commission after he awarded a contract to a consulting firm where a friend worked—an old friend whose Virgin Islands condo McIver visits annually.
Remark-ably Regrettable
Republican leaders removed state Rep. Jim Dunn (R-Vancouver) from all committees after witnesses reported he made an inappropriate comment to a female staffer while a group of lawmakers and staffers were having drinks. It was flagrant enough that the punishment came from his own side of the aisle—but no one is saying just what the remark was. Dunn, a married, family-values kind of guy, says it was along the lines of “I’m buying you this [drink] so I can take you home, something like that.” Witnesses said Dunn’s version was sanitized.
Mad Money
Dad Always Said Those Nickels and Dimes Would Add Up
Nearly a half-million dollars’ worth of coins disappeared from Coinstar vending machines in Washington, Oregon and California grocery stores before Coinstar employee Michael Robert Burns of Maple Valley was arrested for investigation of first-degree theft.
Mountain Range, Athletic Event—We Can Never Tell Them Apart
Many Washington businesses stand to make a bundle when the Olympics come to Vancouver, B.C., in 2010—unless their name includes the word “Olympic.” The U.S. Olympic Committee warned area businesses to stop using that word on their Internet sites or else sell their products only in Western Washington. The perps include Kathy Charlton, whose winery Olympic Cellars overlooks the mountains, and Jason Bausher, whose Web site markets his guidebook, Best of the Olympic Peninsula. Bausher points out that the Olympic Peninsula was named in 1788. The USOC, with federal law behind it, is negotiating with the offending companies.
Politically What?
Flavor of the Week: Poor Taste
King County Judge Mark Chow faces ethics charges after making ill-advised comments to several defendants. One man made a lewd sexual suggestion to the judge, who snapped back, “I would if you pulled it out, but you can’t find it.” To an Asian female, he asked about her ethnic background, “What flavor are you?” When she told him she was part Japanese, he responded, “No Chinese? See I’m Chinese. ... That’s OK. My wife’s Japanese; you’ve got some good.”
No Gold Star for the White Hetero Guy With Smelly Breath
A Clark County judge was censured by the state Commission on Judicial Conduct for displaying less than judicious behavior at a conference. Superior Court Judge John Wulle called the Clark County group facilitator “the black gay guy” and declined a “star” offered to Clark County for its achievement because “I don’t need a star. I’m not a Jew.” That odor witnesses reported smelling on his breath? Cough medicine, he later explained.
How about ‘Inane Inane Inane?’
Santas in Sydney, Australia, were instructed not to use Father Christmas’ traditional “ho ho ho” greeting because it might be offensive to women. Instead, they were instructed by their recruitment firm to say “ha ha ha.”
The Presidential Campaign
And We’re Pretty Sure He Voted for Himself for Third Grade Class President
Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of having been ambitious in kindergarten.
The United Estados of Canada
Ron Paul warned during a presidential debate about “a NAFTA highway” on the drawing board that would link the U.S., Canada and Mexico and could lead to the three countries merging.
Not to Mention I Don’t Have A Snowball’s Chance in Hell
Newt Gingrich announced he was not running for president because he would have to give up his work with the well-known American Solutions organization.
Temper, Temper
What Would Andy Griffith Do?
Jefferson County Deputy Darrin Dotson was suspended without pay by Sheriff Mike Brasfield for yelling at an umpire at a Little League game in which Dotson’s 10-year-old son was playing. Dotson, who was on duty and in full uniform—including gun—bickered for so long with the volunteer umpire, who had called a strike against Dotson’s son, that the game was called.
Love Hurts
A White Center woman was jailed on a domestic-violence charge after she allegedly chomped off her former boyfriend’s lower lip. The 49-year-old man said they had been kissing and he did not know why she bit off his lip, which was found on the floor and could not be reattached.
Feeling Safer?
We Love Tourists, Really
Two men visiting Seattle never imagined the chain of events they would trigger by snapping photos on a ferryboat. Ferry employees—who said the pair looked Middle Eastern and showed an interest in the boat’s operations—photographed the men exploring the boat. A manhunt ensued, and the FBI asked the media to run a photo of the pair. The Seattle Post-Intelligencer took a lot of heat for refusing, but photos were widely distributed in other media outlets and the men saw them. They went to a U.S. Embassy and explained that they were European businessmen who had never seen such a large ferry and wanted pictures to show their families. Their story checked out.
They Confiscated About a Hundred Bags of Doritos, Too
A 61-year-old alleged marijuana matriarch pleaded guilty to charges of running a Kent garden store that sold marijuana growers everything from soup to nuts—or, in this case, air scrubbers (to remove pungent aromas) to devices that bypass electrical meters. It seems that, since 9/11 brought tighter border security, large distributor/grower networks have moved into the U.S. rather than grow “B.C. bud” in Canada and sneak it across the border. A large contingent of pot-growers moved to the Kent area, where Le My Nguyen supplied their gardening needs.
Thank the Lord We Have the Government Watching Over Terrorism for Us
Three aldermen in Dover, N.J., went around to every gumball machine in town to make sure terrorists hadn’t tampered with the child-friendly product.
The Media
FLASH: Bush Defeats Gore
Ten days after the assassination of Pakistan’s Benazir Bhutto, Parade magazine featured the following cover headline: “Is Benazir Bhutto America’s best hope against Al-Qaeda?”
Every Silver Lining Has a Cloud
The McClatchy newspaper chain featured the following headline last Oct. 15: “As Violence Falls in Iraq, Cemetery Workers Feel the Pinch.”
I Can Ruin You, And Your Little Homecoming Queen, Too
Talk show host Montel Williams warned a high school newspaper intern that “I’m a big star, and I can look you up, find where you live and blow you up.”
Maxim: Again Setting the Bar for Journalistic Integrity
Maxim magazine apologized for publishing a negative review of The Black Crowes’ new album after discovering that the writer hadn’t actually listened to the entire CD.
The Nazis Live, 2008
Chucky Needs A Pal
A toy manufacturer in the Ukraine is selling Adolf Hitler dolls, complete with movable arms to reproduce Hitler’s infamous salute.
On This Year’s ‘Who Hitler Should Have Killed’ List: Bloggers
Columnist Bill Conlin of the Philadelphia Daily News wrote, “The only positive thing I can think of about Hitler’s time on Earth: I’m sure he would have eliminated all bloggers.”
Rules-are-Rules Department
Health Care in South Africa
A woman with no arms was told she could not get her ID card unless she was fingerprinted.
Maybe Her Supper Would Have Been Cold?
Texas Judge Sharon Keller refused to keep her court open an extra 20 minutes so lawyers could fix a computer glitch and file a death row appeal. Hours later the inmate was executed.
The Sports Section
To Paraphrase that Other Clemens, A Lie Can Get Halfway Around the World Before the Truth Can Put On Its Cleats
Despite strong facts to the contrary, baseball legend Roger Clemens stammered his way through a round of poorly received denials about whether he had ever used steroids before a House Committee on Government Oversight and Reform.
Tripping on Animal Cruelty
PGA Tour golfer Tripp Isenhour was charged with intentionally killing a protected hawk with a golf ball because it was making noise as he made a videotape.
The Patriotism of Cheating
The New England Patriots—thought of as the standard for professionalism in the NFL—were caught illegally taping the defensive signals of opponents.
Beware Bulls Offering High-Fives
Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull gave Dr. Don Kalent Sr., a fan, a high-five and ended up rupturing the man’s biceps muscle and hyperextending his arm. The doctor is suing the team for damages.
Lynching: Hilarious!
The Golf Channel suspended anchor Kelly Tighman for joking that young players who wanted to challenge Tiger Woods should “lynch him in a back alley.” The editor of Golfweek magazine was later fired after running a story on the controversy and featuring a noose on the cover.
Now Endorsing ‘I’m a Moron’ Tennis Racquets …
Russian tennis pro Mikhail Youzhny became a YouTube celebrity after footage showed him hitting himself in the head with his racquet after making a mistake and opening up a Tarantino-level gash that bled down his face as he played (although he did win the match). L&P
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